To retreat or not to retreat?

TO RETREAT OR NOT TO RETREAT (A HUMOROUS - ?? POEM).
(Can be sung to the tune for “Immortal, invisible, God only wise”)

Retreatants, bid welcome
We hope that your stay
Is pleasant and meaningful
In every way.
A few simple rules that
We ask are observed,
They’re written for guidance
So please do not swerve.

Do chatter most freely
When settling in
The weather, your auntie
But don’t make a din.
When silence befalls you
Please hold fast the tongue
For far too much hot air
Is bad for the lungs.

When pearls of great wisdom
Are poured forth, please note
The Conductor’s wisdom,
On air s/he does float.
Such pearls of great price are
So precious and rare,
For if your mind wanders
Your cupboard is bare.

At meal times, especially
Please do take great care,
No chomping, no crunching
Such bountiful fare.
No grunts, squeaks or whistles
Or other such noise,
This is a retreat, not
A class full of boys.

When asking for more, it
Is best that you learn
To lip read or sign, lest 
Your hunger pangs burn.
No shuffling, no pointing
It’s ever so rude,
Retreatants, be content
With your plate of food.

When going to bed, if
The stairs they should creak,
Climb two stairs, not one as
For you, they can speak.
Consider the others
When it is so late,
It lessens the impact
And lengthens your gait.

Be silent at all times
On tiptoe please tread,
The noise that your shoes make
Will wake up the dead.
No clip clops, no flip flops
High heels left at home,
Wear sandals, go barefoot
When the house you roam.

We hope that your retreat
Will bring you deep cheer,
So deep you can’t see it
Like dregs in stout beer.
And when you go home, please
Do not shed a tear,
It wasn’t that bad, so
We’ll see you next year!  Amen.