5. Suicide

Pitiful soul, betrayer now betrayed
Into the hands of that foul serpent who
With chilling voice was wont to whisper lies
Which were until this time unrecognised
For what they were, O hapless moment when
Judas received the bread that had been dipped
Into the dish at supper by the Lamb
Of God, in which Judas’ partaking of
The same, served as a sign for the serpent
To enter in and twist, corrupt and turn
The mind of that disciple into thoughts
Of high esteem and recognition of
The ridding of another prophet false
From Yahweh’s true and noble chosen race
And save them from the ‘blasphemy’ of Him
Who for our souls came to this earth to save,
And bring salvation to, the human race.
Shame and remorse so bitter entered in
To Judas’ mind, upon his knowledge of
The condemnation of the Lamb of God.
Just as the minds of Eve and Adam who
In Eden’s garden fair partook of that
Forbidden fruit, were opened, so now he
Who for the prize of thirty glistening coins
For him a rich reward to hand over
The Lamb of God for rigorous questioning,
Or so he thought, now looked upon the sum
Which did now serve to be the recompense
Of his betrayal, not that of the Lamb.
The glistening coins now looked to his poor eyes
A hue so dull and lifeless, scant reward
And worthless fare. In anger and contempt
Went he unto the elders and chief priests
And unto them he spoke remorseful words:
“What price is this, to condemn such a man
Who by my reasoning was handed to
Yourselves by which you might in innocent
Inquiry ask the meaning and purpose
Of His teaching and miracles by which
All human souls would be turned upward to
A kingdom greater which earth cannot hold
Or even comprehend except by His
Wisdom, His parables and miracles
To bring us to a new and better way
By which all humankind would worship and
Serve Him who earth and heaven at His hands
Were made for His great glory, why have you
Condemned Him thus, and have caused me to be
His sole betrayer, but for thirty coins
Which cannot buy salvation, only that
Which serves to satisfy mere human need?
I am now in the grip of sin’s dark night
A slave to my misguided ignorance
Whose cunning authorship lies at your feet.
His blood is innocent, mine is the guilt
Which I must shoulder for my woeful acts.”
To this discourse, insouciant reply
Was made by elders and chief priests alike:
“Why talk to us as if we are to blame
For your misdeeds, did we not tell you why
Your handing Him to us for our judgement
Of why He spoke and acted in such ways
Which were to our minds reasoning against
The Law of our ancestor Moses, who
Upon Mount Sinai ten commandments wrote,
Rules which by royal ordinance we are
To live by in obedience to Him
Who for our wellbeing created all
For satisfaction of our hearts and minds
And bodies? Listened we unto all that
The Nazarene did speak, and found Him to
Be guilty of foul blasphemy for which
The sentence according to Moses’ writ
Is death. We cannot be responsible
For His teaching errant, he now must go
To stand before the Roman governor
Who shall decide His fate. Be gone from us,
You brought Him to us, you must now accept
Responsibility for your own acts.”
On hearing this, confusion reigned within
The mind of the betrayer, knowing not
Which way to turn, and being at a loss
Of how to make amends for his misdeeds,
Threw down the silver pieces for they now
Like millstone heavy, hard and burdensome
Became; an irksome memory of what
Had been accomplished by the treachery
Enacted in the grove, now Judas fled
Until in barren field he laid himself
To rest but no sleep came but only words
Of that great serpent, who now gleefully
To claim his prize, whispered more vicious lies
Into the mind of him who helpless lay
Unable now to think or speak or act,
The perfect victim for the serpent’s words:
“Judas, Judas, you have achieved all that
Was in my mindset, faithful servant true.
Come take your rest, and in my kingdom take
Your true reward, eternal life away
From this commotion, from this city which
Is governed by religious mania,
Intolerance, self-righteousness and pride
Which I find reprehensible to my
Own reasoning, for it flies in the face
Of what I stand for, which is merely that
All humankind can be like Yahweh God,
To know eternal things, evil and good
And make them all complete, lacking nothing
And enter into joy and endless bliss.
Judas, Judas, depart this sinful world
And take your rest, your mission here is done.”
These thoughts served only to confuse the mind
Of the betrayer, despite tone so soft
And sweet, for his remorsefulness and shame
Ran counter to these wicked tempting thoughts
Which clashed and rang like cymbals, drums and gongs
And rendered mental torment from which he
Could muster respite none, such was the pain
And agony of unforgiven sin
Which he now shouldered and could not shut out
And which the serpent, though invisible
To human eyes, in joyous regalement
Stooped once again to whisper in his ear:
“Judas, Judas, don’t struggle with your thoughts,
No blame must be attached for all that has
Happened in this night. Look, the light of dawn
Will break soon, take the path eternal where
True rest from your hard labours will be found.
You will be rid for all time what has been
A time so difficult for mortal mind.
You cannot bear the weight of what was done,
It is too burdensome for you to bear.
Come take your leave, I will provide the means
By which you can escape this mortal life.
Rise up and take your immortality,
Transcend from earthly things into the realm
Where spirits who worship the one true god
Find perfect peace. See, all that you will need
I have provided, ascend with me now.
Your recompense awaits you. Judas, come!”
So spake the serpent, Judas saw the light
Of dawn ascending, scattering the dark
Of dismal night, and hoped for his reprieve
From actions that condemned the Lamb of God
And take eternal rest. Further away
Upon a small hill, stood a tree that gave
Itself to implement Judas’ escape
And further still a rope now long disused
Yet sturdy still to bear the weight of one
Resolved in his confusion to decide
To take his own life, for it seemed to him
No other path available was there
To offer respite tender, gentle, sweet.
The rope now fixed around a lofty branch
Now spoke to Judas as if now the time
To leave this world awaited him. He placed
The rope around his neck, and then looked down
To see if the descent would final be
Not knowing that the real descent did wait
For him, yet in his confused state did he
Muster what strength could be gained for this act
Of suicide, a selfish throwing back
Of life into the face of Yahweh God,
The consequence of which would be to wait
On Yahweh’s judgement. Now the sun arose
To offer morning sweet, and with resolve
And final breath Judas hurled himself down
And in one act severed his neck in two,
Surrendering to death and Hades’ night
And judgement at the hand of Yahweh God.